I think he's prepared. It's been a long time, and he had a really good dad, they were so close, so he doesn't necessarily feel like he missed out. I am sure if we find her alive though it will be a kick to the gut.
Where do I start?
- Thread starter fstoplife
- Start date
I think he's prepared. It's been a long time, and he had a really good dad, they were so close, so he doesn't necessarily feel like he missed out. I am sure if we find her alive though it will be a kick to the gut.
Laughing
Rarely Speechless
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2010
- Messages
- 15,587
- Reaction score
- 60,527
LadyL is right...I've read material in court files that kept me up at night.
Sometimes, poking the bear is really a bad idea:
LotsaLatte
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2009
- Messages
- 2,089
- Reaction score
- 4,335
Definitely have him attempt to prepare as much as possible for any outcome and know that, if so any reason the outcome isn’t pleasant, there are many others that have experienced less than good outcomes. There are people that he can talk to that have experienced pretty much any outcome you can imagine. The last four searches I did (Genetic genealogy) ended with bio fathers that had passed. It was something that had to be processed by the people I helped. Overall, there was a huge sense of relief knowing anything rather than the empty wondering they had lived with for so long. Of course, there are others that ended with reunions and some with living people that didn’t want contact. But the bottom line is that sometimes people need to know something. Anything! I do hope your search ends with answers. 
Thank you all! I think me doing everything is helping lol, he's not totally involved, I will pre-read everything. Honestly in our heads, we think she has passed. There are so many things that we don't know and may never know. The story that his dad told him was "She was involved with people who practiced voodoo and someone pushed her in a grave"
Haha right?! He died in April of 08, and my husbands moms side came looking in July of 08, that's too close to comfort for me.
So I received all the papers today that the aunt had.
I have a missing person report, with the name of the detective, I am going to call them on Monday.
I have the two reports that the sister and mother made. It's so interesting to read because it's not how my husband remembers his father.
His dad is painted as an alcoholic, physical and emotional abuser, we are not discounting that at all, it was just shocking, especially my husband said he doesn't remember any of that and he does have some memories with his mom in them. It seems the dad made it hard for her to see him, but my husband said that as he got older, his dad asked "do you want to find mom, let me know, I will do everything I can." Does this mean he wasn't involved in her disappearance, not necessarily, maybe this was his diversion. The thing is his dad was such a doting dad, he didn't beat him, I never saw him drink. My husband and his dad were sooo close, they did everything together, it was a lot when we first started dating because his dad was always a huge factor in it.
I can upload the papers if anyone wants to read them, I can cross out names.
So another interesting thing is that the mom said that my husbands mom tried to commit suicide to see if the father would do anything, apparently he didn't so she took herself to the hospital, leaving my husband, I am not sure if she left him alone or not. If the father was so abusive, maybe this is why he got custody of him and not the mom?
Also she had gotten into a fight with her landlady the same week she went missing. She had spoken to her mom, said she was coming to stay out east with them ( we live on Long Island) and then never showed. They went to her apartment and her overnight bag was missing and her pocketbook, but she never picked up her last paycheck, and she left jewelry and photos behind.
Now my first instinct is to say she met with a bad ending. Her SS papers don't show anything as far as work past 1984, did something happen that one night? Or did she get into a fight with my husbands dad, hop on a train out of town and never look back? I messaged the aunt and I am going to see what she has to say.
Another thing to the story, his dad's side is not close to my husband at all. Him and his dad lived with his grandmother, the day he buried his dad, as my husband is holding his grandmothers hand helping her cross the street, she turns to him and says " You know you have to move out right" They were downright nasty to him, and look I don't know the relationships, but my husband is a good guy, and I am not just saying that. He is personable, he's friends with everyone, he's considerate, so why do these aunts want no contact with him. Our kids do not have any family on his side because they just show no interest, why? This is the grandmothers only great grandchildren. Should I message the bad aunts and be like, hey explain to me what is going on.
If you read this much, thank you!
So I received all the papers today that the aunt had.
I have a missing person report, with the name of the detective, I am going to call them on Monday.
I have the two reports that the sister and mother made. It's so interesting to read because it's not how my husband remembers his father.
His dad is painted as an alcoholic, physical and emotional abuser, we are not discounting that at all, it was just shocking, especially my husband said he doesn't remember any of that and he does have some memories with his mom in them. It seems the dad made it hard for her to see him, but my husband said that as he got older, his dad asked "do you want to find mom, let me know, I will do everything I can." Does this mean he wasn't involved in her disappearance, not necessarily, maybe this was his diversion. The thing is his dad was such a doting dad, he didn't beat him, I never saw him drink. My husband and his dad were sooo close, they did everything together, it was a lot when we first started dating because his dad was always a huge factor in it.
I can upload the papers if anyone wants to read them, I can cross out names.
So another interesting thing is that the mom said that my husbands mom tried to commit suicide to see if the father would do anything, apparently he didn't so she took herself to the hospital, leaving my husband, I am not sure if she left him alone or not. If the father was so abusive, maybe this is why he got custody of him and not the mom?
Also she had gotten into a fight with her landlady the same week she went missing. She had spoken to her mom, said she was coming to stay out east with them ( we live on Long Island) and then never showed. They went to her apartment and her overnight bag was missing and her pocketbook, but she never picked up her last paycheck, and she left jewelry and photos behind.
Now my first instinct is to say she met with a bad ending. Her SS papers don't show anything as far as work past 1984, did something happen that one night? Or did she get into a fight with my husbands dad, hop on a train out of town and never look back? I messaged the aunt and I am going to see what she has to say.
Another thing to the story, his dad's side is not close to my husband at all. Him and his dad lived with his grandmother, the day he buried his dad, as my husband is holding his grandmothers hand helping her cross the street, she turns to him and says " You know you have to move out right" They were downright nasty to him, and look I don't know the relationships, but my husband is a good guy, and I am not just saying that. He is personable, he's friends with everyone, he's considerate, so why do these aunts want no contact with him. Our kids do not have any family on his side because they just show no interest, why? This is the grandmothers only great grandchildren. Should I message the bad aunts and be like, hey explain to me what is going on.
If you read this much, thank you!
Clair Louise
Former Member
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2020
- Messages
- 704
- Reaction score
- 4,027
So, his mother's side is not close to him and his side is not close to him? Does that not set up some red flags? Why would his grandmother want him out and why were her son and grandson living with her?
So apparently the dad made it very hard for the moms side to see them. This is coming from that said my husband said that his dad tried, but they seem uninterested, I don't know about that.
I am not sure why they were living with the grandmother. I want to say it's from when their house had a fire, they moved in there, and then never left? I never really asked why they lived there. The dad did have a job though.
I have no idea why she wanted him out, and why she chose that day, but she kicked him out and nobody has ever contacted him again. As a matter of fact about 4 years ago, I was pregnant with our 4th, his grandmother was found wandering around, she had dementia and was living alone at this point. The adult services contacted me, I guess because we lived in the same town, and I had the same last name. I told them that she doesn't speak to us, but let me find the family. So I had to do google searches, to find my husbands aunts, I contacted one of them, and she was so nasty to me. I was just telling her that they found her mom wandering around and she was like "Why are you calling me? Don't worry about my mother" and just told me off, I literally met this woman once when her brother was dying in the hospital, and it was for like 1/2 hr. So I called the other sister, she was nicer, but they were just so cold. I don't get it. I am assuming something happened with my husbands dad and maybe they are just taking it out on my husband? I am not blind to anyones faults, and I love my husband and of course want to only see the good, but I am telling you, he was holding her hand, helping her cross the street, he drove her everywhere, he was just so nice to her. He wasn't really close to the aunts on that side, I am not sure if that was because of his dad or not, but maybe now reading these papers, maybe it was the dad's fault. I am thinking of calling the nicer aunt tomorrow and just being like, we need answers. For all intents and purposes, my husband doesn't have any family.
Clair Louise
Former Member
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2020
- Messages
- 704
- Reaction score
- 4,027
I know a family whose dad murdered their mother. He was a great dad but a violent husband. Her kids still stand by him. He will be in jail for another twenty years but they still claim his innocence. His DNA was found on her face that his fist bled on from punching her to death, but they will not believe that he killed her.
Of course, we aren't blind to that. We know it's a possibility, as hard as it is. This is the statement from her sister
"She was supposed to leave for work Friday morning, and catch a bus to work. She never showed up to work, or to pick up her paycheck. She was due to go to Selden that night by train, she always called from Ronkonkoma train station to be picked up, but this night she didn't. She was in the middle of a messy divorce and custody battle and was losing both. Her overnight bag with some clothes was missing, enough for a weekend including a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt she wore every weekend in Selden. Jewelry that was very important to her was left in her room. She got an abusive phone call from her drunk husband the night before. Her husband had abused her both mentally and physically. She also had an argument with her landlady a day or two before about shoveling snow. Her husband hated her family and kept her from seeing us for some time. She was just coming back and visit for weekends when she disappeared."
Maybe it was the dad. Maybe it was the landlady, I am also going to try to find her, although who knows if she is still alive, this was in 1983.
LotsaLatte
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2009
- Messages
- 2,089
- Reaction score
- 4,335
in some cases (in 2 states I have lived in, for instance), the county assessor may have an online search for property information. Sometimes called a parcel search, etc. And in those searches sometimes you can search by address. Sometimes they have the last sale(s) information included. I know, a lot of “sometimes” there but it varies county to county, state to state.
Laughing
Rarely Speechless
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2010
- Messages
- 15,587
- Reaction score
- 60,527
Recorder of Deeds in the courthouse can figure that out.
It's another case where the local Genealogical Society and/or Historical Society can be helpful.
Pesky privacy laws!
Lots on weather, but if your comfortable, a post asking if anyone remembers Mom, Dad, or your husband as a child?
My Ronkonkoma
Might find a neighbor, babysitter, who knows?
NYGenWeb: Your Gateway to New York Genealogy and History
It's another case where the local Genealogical Society and/or Historical Society can be helpful.
Pesky privacy laws!
Lots on weather, but if your comfortable, a post asking if anyone remembers Mom, Dad, or your husband as a child?
My Ronkonkoma
Might find a neighbor, babysitter, who knows?
NYGenWeb: Your Gateway to New York Genealogy and History
I found the name of the person who owned the house. I messaged a bunch of people with the same last name who appear to be related to the houseowner, just waiting to hear back. I just sent an email to his aunt asking a whole bunch of stuff. I really want to call the aunts on his dads side, but I am nervous, although in reality we have nothing to lose. Is there a way to see if *advertiser censored*# is in use? I am hoping I get a response from someone, and his aunt gets back to me fast!!
dixiegirl1035
I will do it, but I won't like it
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2017
- Messages
- 12,887
- Reaction score
- 99,730
You could also try to contact the neighbors of the house as many times folks live in one house for a very long time and may help?
Also, it may help if it were your husband to contact his mom's relatives stating he's caring about his mom, wanting to reconnect with her side of the family and wants to know more information vs." the wife" who they don't know from Adam iykwim? May be the reason that someone stated to you "why are YOU calling me?" (vs. him)
I have been speaking to the mom's side, both aunts now, they are super nice and helpful. The why are you calling me came from his aunt on his dad's side, and it was in reference to his grandmother who was found wandering around the town with dementia, she was never nice to him, let alone me.
His aunts on his moms side sent us the missing persons reports, I have a detectives number, I am just waiting for Monday to call. I messaged the people who owned the house previously, but that is a good idea about the neighbors! I am going to do that now!
dixiegirl1035
I will do it, but I won't like it
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2017
- Messages
- 12,887
- Reaction score
- 99,730
Is your husband interested in talking with his mother's sisters? To learn about her life, what she was like growing up? Is your husband interested in asking her family if there are there photos of the family that can be shared so he can treasure and pass to his kids? Is he interested in who all are my cousins? What were her interests and hobbies as a young girl etc. etc. etc.
If my sister were missing for many many years under suspicious circumstances, and my sister's child was now an adult who now reached out... I would want to hear from my sister's child and such interest... Just a MOO that might add to the efforts.
Is there a reason that he is not the one to speak with his family about such things and leaving to you? Or did he do that all 12 years ago when he and his mom's family first connected, and now moving past such to get more information?
It's wonderful they are being so helpful. They sound like nice folks.
Oh for sure, as soon as this COVID stuff is calmed down we are going to see them. We met them about 12 years ago, and we've kept in touch, but it's hard to foster those family relationships, I think at this age. They've always reached out since they found him, and he asks them questions. He's not leaving it to me so much as I took it upon myself, lol. He's always wondered, but I am more of the doer in the marriage haha. We both write them the emails, so he's asking the questions too. He definitely wants to know more about her.
I am going sometime this week or next week to file a FOIL so we can get all the police reports, I hope they give me somewhere to go! I asked his aunt bluntly, do you guys think his dad had something to do with it. Like I said, my husband is not saying he didn't, he knows that it is a possibility, though obviously we hope that isn't the case