imo only
here is the bottom line its long i know
this is
her actually moo
There. is .no.blaming.shaming.judgement. here.
It is, however the petri dish of the BOrderline Personality disorder (her not him )
no blame
just roll here
computer being a bit strange so pls pardon
Most people have fears of
intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.
The
nature of a fantasy bond is the central concept of my theory as explained in my book THE FANTASY BOND. It explains people's compulsion to relive the past with new relationships i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in
childhood. This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity, compassion, and equality.
Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Once having been hurt, they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relations.
Men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally, they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship, they tend to let down their defenses and are open and vulnerable.
While this state of being in love is volatile and exciting, at the same time it can be frightening. ( I think this piece applies to him - lets be honest he was ugly fat probably bullied in midlife he appeared to excel when younger BUT then we have to ask what was going on for him - he was adorable when younger and ended up looking gross and dirty - severe depression? )
The
fear of loss or abandonment as well as the poignant sadness often evoked by positive emotions may become difficult to tolerate, especially for those who have suffered from a lack of love in their early lives. At the point these individuals begin to feel anxious or frightened, they retreat from feeling close, gradually giving up the most valued aspects of their relationships, forming a fantasy bond.
By the time most people reach adulthood, they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, (neighbors) there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.
A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship where individuals are free to express their real feelings and desires. This destructive tie functions to perpetuate feelings of distrust, self-hating thought processes, and the inward behavior patterns that each person brings to the relationship. In their destructive coupling, men and women surrender their unique points of view for an illusion of safety.
How fantasy bonds continue to affect us
While people may be comfortable casually criticizing their parents as adults, as children, it may have felt scary to be critical of one’s caretakers. People rely on their parents for survival, and at times, a parent’s neglect or hostility might have felt terrifying, even life-threatening to the child. Part of the formation of a fantasy bond involves young children learning to self-parent, both soothing and punishing themselves in similar ways to the parent.
Children identify with and internalize the ways the parent saw and treated them. They may try to preserve an idealized image of the parent by seeing themselves critically. As they grow up, they uphold an, often unconscious, internalized connection to their parent in the following ways:
- Idealizing their parents and family – i.e. “My parents were great. There was just something wrong with me.”
- Maintaining a negative image of themselves – Many people develop a “critical inner voice,” a negative thought process, which, like an internal parent, coaches, critiques, and comments on them, as they live our lives, i.e. “I’ve always been too much for other people to handle. No one could love me.”
- Projecting negative parental qualities and behaviors onto others – Without realizing it, we can project qualities of our parents onto the people we get close to throughout our lives. “She’s going to leave you. You can’t trust her.” “He’s critical of you. See how he looks at you.”
- Recreating negative family dynamics in adult relationships – People may choose to get close to others who remind them of their past. Or, they may distort, and even provoke, the people close to them to recreate old, familiar, albeit negative, dynamics.
- Reliving their parents’ life rather than living their own – Many people find it hard to differentiate and live their lives on their own terms. They continue to listen to the “voice” inside their heads that doesn’t always represent their real point of view.
- Maintaining psychological defenses that were adaptive as children but that limit them as adults – The psychological defenses someone formed in childhood to make them feel safe and secure are hard to shake later in life, even when these defenses are no longer adaptive. Defenses often go on to limit individuals in their lives and interpersonal relationships. For example, if they used to shut down to avoid punishment or would cling to the parent to get soothed, they may carry these patterns into their adult relationships, when they actually serve to create distance, rather than bring people closer.
Fantasy Bonds in Our Adult Relationships
Though a fantasy bond is established early in life as a way to feel safe and connected, especially when one’s parents weren’t available or nurturing their needs, people go on to recreate these bonds in their adult relationships as a way to feel protected. As Dr. Robert Firestone wrote, “Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond.”
This bond replaces the substance of a loving relationship with the form of being a unit. It keeps people at a comfortable distance emotionally, while maintaining a sense of oneness with their partner that allows them to feel an, often false, sense of security.
a fantasy bond exists along a continuum, and most of us fall somewhere on the spectrum in our relationships.
Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, (this would be HIM) their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of
identity in each person.
. They find life increasingly hollow and empty as they give up more aspects of their personalities. ( I go him here -- I hope i don't get in trouble here but I think (life entails risk huh!) he grew astounded that he was so puss# whipped and it shattered is masculinity ( hence his focus on getting more attractive)
and no matter the consensus here he sure as heck was a lot a more attracitve on his porch than his presentation. And to make that transformation had to be a hell of a lot of work)
frankly, I think it is hard for ladies here to acknowledge -- the porch interview is a handsome sexy male - just check in with yourselves ( i say this warmly)
But as the interview went on I could not help but get scared - like oh my god if he got really pissed he would be So scary so scary
i think that is why i think not premeditated i think he lost his marbles after feeling rage for a long time about being pu@sy whipped for so long
been off often -- we will see I think he just lost it -- was not like he wanted to kill her he just went off lost control
A Guide to the Fantasy Bond
Fantasy bond - Wikipedia
A Guide to the Fantasy Bond
