Barry Black's Attorney Jose Bearez Sits down for an interview with cub reporter Steely Dan
Steely Dan
08/08/2010 9:45EST
Barry Black has been arrested for, allegedly, eating a couple of pears, a bunch of grapes, drinking fish water and stealing a teddy bear.
Jose Bearez is an eccentric lawyer who is best known for not knowing very much. He has been hired by Barry Black to represent him in his latest scrape with the law.
Mr. Bearez has agreed to sit with us to discuss this case after a payment of 450 full honey pots.
SD: "Mr. Bearez, it seems your client Mr. Black has a rather extensive rap sheet. He's been accused of breaking and entering, theft, dealing grubbs and berries on the black market, bringing in soft feathered brown Australian emus with the promise of jobs dancing and then turning them into poll dancing fur shavers, he was arrested for selling placebo's that were billed as 6 month sleeping pills, trafficking in herons, and finding Dane Cook funny."
JB: "First let me get the most important things out of the way first. Mr. Black doesn't find Dane Cook funny! How could anyone find him funny!"
SD: "I don't find him funny at all, I'm assuming you don't find him funny either?"
JB: "He's hysterical but my clients love of Dane Cook isn't on trial here. The fact he stole whatever the crap it is he stole is the issue."
SD: "So you're admitting that he is guilty. Are you going to try to work a plea?"
JB: "I never said he was guilty! In fact we have solid reports placing the teddy bear in Orlando, Florida at Disney World with Zanny the Nanny goat. While it's been 31 days since Barry saw the teddy he knows he's ok."
SD: "You just said that the accusation he stole things were factual. Has he spoken to the teddy bear recently?"
JB: "If you are going to hold me to the things I say during this interview I'll get a work product injunction prohibiting you from ever being able to publish this."
SD: "You don't need to growl at me. Let's try to continue this with some civility. Can we agree to be civil."
JB: "Yeah, yeah," he says while dipping his paws into a honey pot and scratching his enormous behind. He sits down and starts pawing through some legal papers, (I can't help but notice that the amateur doesn't even use legal pads.) licking the honey off the corners from his honey stained paws. He reaches around and scratches his hairy behind. "Ok, look at this," he says thrusting a sticky piece of paper into my hand. "Ya see that picture that shows the teddy bear in orlando with his nanny goat."
SD: "This is an old postcard from Disney World welcoming President Nixon with a teddy bear and goat drawn on it in crayon, poorly." :waitasec:
JB: "Ya like that my kid did it."
SD: "I have to say that's really good for a pre-schooler."
JB: "No, no he's 27 and he's been in law school for the past four years. This fall he will be a sophomore. He also drew pictures of them visiting Niagara Falls. (whispering to himself) note to self bears can fall off edge and die in the Niagara River and never be found."
He stands up and turns around and I see a piece of paper stuck to his butt. I carefully peel it off his fur and read it;
JB email:
Haven't decided on which story to go with yet. We're testing in front of focus groups who know this is work product and thusly cannot be talked about. So far the most popular has Barry breaking out of jail running to Niagara Falls seconds too late as the nanny goat kicks a similar teddy into the raging river never to be seen again. See if Boo Boo can set it up and remind the actors that it's work product and nobody can see it ever.
Call my brother's ex, Nannette, she's a 10 and that works.
SD: I slip that paper into my briefcase under my legal pad. "The point I'm trying to make here is that this isn't a photograph it's a poorly drawn picture of a goat and teddy bear greeting a now deceased former President Nixon in the last month"
JB: "I assure you I can find an expert willing to testify that they are the real deal." (He's frantically looking for something now). Did you see a piece of paper with an outline of our outrageous stories for getting Barry off?
SD: "No, not at all." He glares at me pulling back his lips and showing his sharp canines.
JB: "You do know that's work product and reading it would be a third degree felony. Looking at one alphabetical letter is a misdemeanor that would have you in jail for 45 years, right?"
SD: "Sir I'm trying to report, factually, the story I'm writing."
JB: Oh, the "gotcha" media. I heard about you guys from an Alaskan Kodiak I know. I say something and then you turn it all around on me. I say that it's a fact he stole that stuff and you make it sound like I'm saying he really did steal that stuff. :waitasec:
You don't report the news you make it up. The smell of burned stuffing in the back of that taxi wasn't BB's stuffed bear. The driver hit a stuffed squirrel that got burned on the catalytic converter. Later on the driver threw a dead stripper in the back with a rotting pizza. She was a dwarf. (He turns to me.) That makes sense right? The stripper would have to be about the stuffed bears size to make the stains equal out, right. :waitasec: Anyway this little person stripper dies due to Barry trying to quiet her with chloroform. Ummm, I meant it was Jesse Grunt with the chloroform. Anyway, Barry's father is known to have a hot temper. He threw Barry's grand dad through a sharp thicket during one of their fights. He was the last one to see the bear alive."
SD: "I thought you said Barry was in the taxi with the bear? :waitasec: Wouldn't that make him the last to see him? :waitasec:
JB: "Ok Mr. Gotcha Media Man. This interview is over. I have enough trouble trying to make an obviously guilty bear look innocent. This interview is over and it's work product. The only way you can publish this is if you have both eyes closed and nobody reads it or it's a felony."
Barry Black awaits trial at A Ticks Prison in upstate New York.