How not to react when your child tells you he is gay.

[Dogface]

The title was questioned for containing misinformation. It was reviewed and deemed appropriate by someone who has the power to make that decision.

Let's get back to the real problem. A young man was physically assaulted and tossed out of his house unexpectedly by his parents as a result of anger due to their strongly held religious beliefs.

I wonder why they didn't just tell him they needed him to move out? If they knew he was gay, what made that day the game changer? Why wouldn't they give him at least a few days to get things in order? Or am I mistaken in that he was being forced to renounce his sexual preference or get out right then?

I wonder if he has a relationship with his bio mom?

Unless it's self defense no one can justify violence of this level. Especially from a parent to a child.

 

[katydid23]

Originally Posted by TrackerSam
Of course and I think most would. So why the disinformation in the title? It doesn't matter. Nor must the mother jump on the rainbow bandwagon. She loves her son and hates that he's gay. She's refusing to pop a bottle of bubbly.........let's get her.

Sounds a bit like a request for a title change.

You've got to be kidding. See the question mark? See where I said it doesn't matter? That sounds like a request for a title change to you?
Sounds like the old soft shoe to me.

You are calling Tricia out, by saying that no one asked for title change. And I am just pointing out that it WAS brought up that the title might have had disinformation. The next sentence does not negate the prior one, imo.

 

[TrackerSam]

You are calling Tricia out, by saying that no one asked for title change. And I am just pointing out that it WAS brought up that the title might have had disinformation. The next sentence does not negate the prior one, imo.

Yes it was brought up by Nova. (quote) A small clarification: the young man actually came out to his parents last October.
But she wasn't asking for a change and neither was I. Just pointing out the misinformation as Nova was.

The misinformation was pointed out. That does not equate to a request for a title change and no amount of word gymnastics will change that.

 

[katydid23]

Yes it was brought up by Nova. (quote) A small clarification: the young man actually came out to his parents last October.
But she wasn't asking for a change and neither was I. Just pointing out the misinformation as Nova was.

The misinformation was pointed out. That does not equate to a request for a title change and no amount of word gymnastics will change that.

Can you at least concede how someone might have thought there was a question about misinformation in the title? I certainly thought there was when I was reading the thread. jmo

eta: Nova is a he, not a she. :wave:

 

[Tricia]

Yes it was brought up by Nova. (quote) A small clarification: the young man actually came out to his parents last October.
But she wasn't asking for a change and neither was I. Just pointing out the misinformation as Nova was.

The misinformation was pointed out. That does not equate to a request for a title change and no amount of word gymnastics will change that.

If someone says there is misinformation in a title I ( or other moderators) absolutely have the responsibility to look into the accusation and decide what is to be done.

This title does not have misinformation as far as I am concerned so therefore it will not be changed. Had I found it did have misinformation I would have changed it right then.

As Dogface suggested in an earlier post let's get back to the important discussion topic of this thread.

Tricia
PS. If anyone ever feels a thread title has misinformation please hit the alert button in the lower left-hand corner of the first post. Then we can send a mod to check into the title and fix
it if necessary.

 

[Ausgirl]

Ookay, I see the objection there. How I see it? If the mother had not brought religion into the argument with her son, and used it as justification for her obnoxious behaviour, I would see no point in anyone raising it. But she did, and while I am not a Christian, I can imagine such hypocrisy upsetting the Christians who aren't fundamental ignoramuses. Most, as I understand it, believe Christ is all about forgiveness and love. Not, you know... bashing your children and throwing them out of the home.

 

[fruity]

Can I just say - as the person who started the thread - I copied the title of the news article and used it as the title. If you have a problem with it, complain to the media.

I assumed someone hit report and asked for a title change, but IMO the nitpicking about the title is all just an attempt to take away from the real issue here. People used religion to do something violent and hateful, which is nothing new. It happens in all religions. I am a christian and I am disgusted by people who try to sweep any type of violence under the rug, no matter who it is directed at or why. Way to miss the message of Jesus.

 

[gitana1]

So as co-owner your opinion is more valid than anyone else's? Just trying to figure out why you felt you needed to throw that factoid in there.
The only thing I've ever argued on this thread was poster's needs to drag religion into it.

Daniel Pierce, a 19-year-old college student from Georgia in the United States, secretly filmed a conversation with his Christian parents where he is allegedly attacked after revealing his sexuality.
That's not when this conversation was filmed, it was filmed during an intervention, so they obviously already knew.

That sure is heck is when it was filmed. Unless you have a different definition of " after" than every single dictionary I've ever seen.

And as for religion, that sadly, is pivotal to this topic as the family of this young man dragged it into the conversation as justification for their hideous behavior. Btw, I am a Christian. I don't see my religion being denigrated by the media in relation to this case. Or even really by anyone here, even those who have strong, negative feelings about religion and its impact on the world when used to justify war, torture, ostracism, hate, murder, abduction of children from their parents, sati (wife burning), genital mutilation, beheadings, witch hunts, stonings, burning at the stake, slavery and refusing civil rights to a huge sector of the population. All of which and more have been done in the name of religion.

Instead, what I see is a subject this horrible family brought up, being discussed- what is religion, what is Christianty and why and how can it be improperly used to justify evil. As a Christian, I believe people of faith need to be honest with themselves and the world and engage in honest debate about tolerance, openness, love, acceptance, the meaning of faith, the misuse of doctrine, hypocrisy, hiding behind belief as a means of legitimizing evil, etc.

For me, all religion, that's right, ALL religion is at core about the same things- what does it mean to be human, how do we help ourselves and one another, what does evil and good mean, how do we become good, about loving our fellow man, helping everyone, even our enemies, taking responsibility for and treasuring the world we've been given, peace, our souls, impermanence and life after death and how our deities help with all of that.

Christianity in particular is about love, love love. And acting on it. Trying to walk the walk of Jesus himself, sacrificing and suffering in order to do what's right. And what happens to Daniel is about the farthest thing from Christianity that there can be. It's not an "attack" on Christianity to say so or to discuss this important issue. It's necessary and hypocritical not to.

Imo.

 

[gitana1]

Well that was random. Is this your way of telling everyone how they should think?

No. See below.

No TrackerSam that was not what I was saying at all.

The reason I feel the thread title is not misleading is because this is the parents reaction to his coming out as gay. He had come out before this was being taped yes but their reaction was to hold this "intervention" which was
just horrible.

If the title of the thread was misleading I would have changed it or one of the mods would have changed it. Since as co-owner I feel it is not misleading it will not be changed.

TrackerSam, I would never ever suggest my opinion is more important. I admire so many posters here. They are much smarter than I am that's for certain.

When it comes to making decisions on this forum there are only a select few who are allowed to do so. I was
responding to the people who felt it was misleading and wanted to state why the title was not changing. To do that I had to say I was Co-owner. That's all.

Tricia, thank you so much for explaining. You didn't have to but did. That's gracious. Especially as I felt your post was very, very clear.

 

[Nova]

From your post, Sam:

"Bible thumper
(U.S.) someone perceived as aggressively imposing their Christian beliefs upon others...."

That is the sense the term has been used in this thread (and the sense it was used at my evangelical church).

The point is "aggressive imposition", not the beliefs themselves.

 

[borndem]

I just returned from a lovely wedding, where the bride's father transitioned from "Bob" to "Julia" a few years ago. Not ONE member of her (I know it's confusing, but the father is now "she" and "her") family attended; they no longer speak to Julia.

Yet the bride and groom's families turned out in force and could not have been lovelier. (My husband used to be uncle-by-marriage to the bride, but they still include us in family reunions, weddings, etc.)

If these aren't Christian values, I don't know what. Isn't this exactly how Jesus Himself would have treated Julia, her new wife, Caroline, and the gay fathers of the bride's cousins?

The good news--as the previous poster points out--is we aren't stuck with our biological families. We can and do create new families as we proceed through life. (ETA this last paragraph sounds like a slam against my own biological family, which would be quite unfair. My folks have always been pretty accepting and they are openly fond of my husband.)

Exactly, Nova. You read my mind!!

What 12 or 13-year old wakes up one morning & says to himself or herself -- Hey, I don't have enuff angst or confusion in my life.... Hmmm, I've got it! I'll really fack myself up -- I'm gonna be gay.
------------
When my son was about 9 or 10 y/o, I gave him a phone msg from a girl in his class, and kidded him a little about it.

It was just the two of us, standing there in kitchen after he had come into the house. I thought a minute, and said something like, "Son, if you find that you like guys instead of girls, first of all, there's nothing wrong with you. You're our son and we love you and don't ever let anyone make you feel less if that's the way you feel about yourself." I wanted to "get to him" early & not wait in case he was worried or confused about himself or anyone he knew. (I did not think he was gay -- but ...). Anyway, he looked at me & was cool about it, and said, "It's okay, Mom -- I like women." And that was that. ("women" -- he was 9!)

We must not wait too long to have that type of conversation, IMO.

And it is getting just a little bit better these days...

 

[Nova]

That sure is heck is when it was filmed. Unless you have a different definition of " after" than every single dictionary I've ever seen.

And as for religion, that sadly, is pivotal to this topic as the family of this young man dragged it into the conversation as justification for their hideous behavior. Btw, I am a Christian. I don't see my religion being denigrated by the media in relation to this case. Or even really by anyone here, even those who have strong, negative feelings about religion and its impact on the world when used to justify war, torture, ostracism, hate, murder, abduction of children from their parents, sati (wife burning), genital mutilation, beheadings, witch hunts, stonings, burning at the stake, slavery and refusing civil rights to a huge sector of the population. All of which and more have been done in the name of religion.

Instead, what I see is a subject this horrible family brought up, being discussed- what is religion, what is Christianty and why and how can it be improperly used to justify evil. As a Christian, I believe people of faith need to be honest with themselves and the world and engage in honest debate about tolerance, openness, love, acceptance, the meaning of faith, the misuse of doctrine, hypocrisy, hiding behind belief as a means of legitimizing evil, etc.

For me, all religion, that's right, ALL religion is at core about the same things- what does it mean to be human, how do we help ourselves and one another, what does evil and good mean, how do we become good, about loving our fellow man, helping everyone, even our enemies, taking responsibility for and treasuring the world we've been given, peace, our souls, impermanence and life after death and how our deities help with all of that.

Christianity in particular is about love, love love. And acting on it. Trying to walk the walk of Jesus himself, sacrificing and suffering in order to do what's right. And what happens to Daniel is about the farthest thing from Christianity that there can be. It's not an "attack" on Christianity to say so or to discuss this important issue. It's necessary and hypocritical not to.

Imo.

Imo, too. Beautiful post, gitana. Bears repeating.

 

[borndem]

Im always stunned by people that care more about what others think than loving their own child.
Wonder what their friends, church members and neighbors think of them now?






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Some of them, sad to say, & IMO, prolly feel the same way they do. Grrrrrrr.

 

[Linda7NJ]

Some of them, sad to say, & IMO, prolly feel the same way they do. Grrrrrrr.

You're probably right...
No shortage of stupid folks...unfortunately. IMO


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[borndem]

Yep - I totally agree, Linda.

A few years ago, my youngest daughter (20 or 21 at the time) told me about a young woman she'd met that had expressed an interest in her. My daughter was contemplating dating her and had an obvious crush on her.

I told my daughter that the only important things were:

1. She treats you well

2. That you're happy, whatever choice you make

The crush was short-lived and my daughter didn't pursue a dating relationship with the young woman. If she had, I would have been supportive as long as the above criteria had been met, just as I would want my daughter to be treated well and to be happy in a heterosexual relationship.

Regarding the teaching "love the sinner, hate the sin" that was mentioned upthread: While I agree that the spirit of this teaching is applicable in circumstances where a crime has been committed, I don't consider a loving relationship between same sex partners or opposite-sex partners to be a transgression of any kind (morally or otherwise), as long as both partners are of the age of consent and are conducting themselves in a responsible manner.

It seems to me that, quite often, stone-throwers (the parents/grandparents in this case) are the ones in need of self-examination and the ones in need of casting out the obstructions from their own eyes.

bbm

Same here, sorrell skye - As long as two same-sex adults are loving, faithful & kind to each other -- forsaking all others -- I think God will not bear disdain on what intimacy they share. If the state in which they are living will not allow marriage, then so be it -- it not right, it's unconstitutional, IMO, but it is what it is today. That's changing, too. I can't go along with the "hate the sin" part, since I don't think it's a sin. To each his own, though. MOO.

 

[borndem]

That sure is heck is when it was filmed. Unless you have a different definition of " after" than every single dictionary I've ever seen.

And as for religion, that sadly, is pivotal to this topic as the family of this young man dragged it into the conversation as justification for their hideous behavior. Btw, I am a Christian. I don't see my religion being denigrated by the media in relation to this case. Or even really by anyone here, even those who have strong, negative feelings about religion and its impact on the world when used to justify war, torture, ostracism, hate, murder, abduction of children from their parents, sati (wife burning), genital mutilation, beheadings, witch hunts, stonings, burning at the stake, slavery and refusing civil rights to a huge sector of the population. All of which and more have been done in the name of religion.

Instead, what I see is a subject this horrible family brought up, being discussed- what is religion, what is Christianty and why and how can it be improperly used to justify evil. As a Christian, I believe people of faith need to be honest with themselves and the world and engage in honest debate about tolerance, openness, love, acceptance, the meaning of faith, the misuse of doctrine, hypocrisy, hiding behind belief as a means of legitimizing evil, etc.

For me, all religion, that's right, ALL religion is at core about the same things- what does it mean to be human, how do we help ourselves and one another, what does evil and good mean, how do we become good, about loving our fellow man, helping everyone, even our enemies, taking responsibility for and treasuring the world we've been given, peace, our souls, impermanence and life after death and how our deities help with all of that.

Christianity in particular is about love, love love. And acting on it. Trying to walk the walk of Jesus himself, sacrificing and suffering in order to do what's right. And what happens to Daniel is about the farthest thing from Christianity that there can be. It's not an "attack" on Christianity to say so or to discuss this important issue. It's necessary and hypocritical not to.

Imo.

Bravo

 

[Ballerina]

There are extremists in every religion, and it is always unfortunate when these extremists cause others to believe that such behavior is commonplace and expected for that particular religion.

However, that is not what I see happening here in this thread. I see an educated discussion between fellow human beings- some of them christian themselves, some of them not- who can clearly distinguish what would be extremist behavior for a religion. We are all respectfully discussing the hate inflicted on Daniel without doing so in a way that bashes any religion.

These parents have spoken hateful words in the name of "christianity". As a christian myself, I do not feel compelled to defend my own religion, but instead to push for change. I think it is far more important to focus on projecting love, kindness, and acceptance as a christian than it is to focus on hating anything- be that a "sinner" or a "sin" itself, IMO.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is not a choice. It is how you were born.

Religion aside, the real problem with these parents is a lack of human decency and basic compassion. My father always taught me growing up that he will love me no matter what, and that I should never hesitate to come to him with anything, because his job was not to judge me. His job was to love me, and to support me.

As the lovely gitana1 said... (RSBM, and I hope I got that acronym right)

Christianity in particular is about love, love love. And acting on it. Trying to walk the walk of Jesus himself, sacrificing and suffering in order to do what's right. And what happens to Daniel is about the farthest thing from Christianity that there can be. It's not an "attack" on Christianity to say so or to discuss this important issue. It's necessary and hypocritical not to.

 

[texasgirl2]

As a christian, I found his mother's reaction absolutely appalling. I mean....who are we to judge anyway? God bless this kid. I would NEVER do this to any of my children whether they told me they were gay, bisexual, transgender or anything else. My most important job as a parent is to love my children no matter what. NOT just when it's easy. Which by the way, it rarely ever is with a teenager at home. It brings to mind a song by Sara Evans that I sing to my 6-year-old son all the time.

"In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you will always be my baby."

There's NOTHING on God's green earth that could ever make me treat one of my kids this way. Bless his heart!

 

[Ausgirl]

Really, though -- as much as it may be a POV that is repulsive to many of us, it was within the parents' rights to kick him out and refuse to pay for college. I don't like their POV but it's their home and they can be as ignorant as they like in it -- as long as they harm no-one in the process. However, I think it goes a bit deeper than that here.... based on the mother's flipping out into violence at the drop of a hat, and the fact her son felt he needed to record the meeting for his own safety, suggests a history of physical abuse going on that house (as well as emotional abuse, which can be worse...).

She had NO right to hit her son like that. Never mind what I think about her as a Christian.. as a mother, she flunks out utterly IMO.

 

[Nova]

^^^Well said.

Ausgirl is right, of course. No parent is obligated to support their kid after age 18 or help put him through college. But even without the violence and name-calling, I don't think much of a parent who ostracizes his or her child because of a difference in opinion

As a parent, I worried (still worry at times) about paying for braces, tuition, a wedding and the like. (None of it required by law, but things I wanted to do as a stepfather.)

I have never insisted that my kids think exactly as I do on every subject.

As it happens, my daughter married a conservative Republican who also happens to be an atheist (unlike myself). There are times I wish he agreed with me (and actually, he does on social issues like civil rights), but the dinner table would probably be a duller place without our differences of opinion.

But what I CARE about most is that he is a loving and supportive husband to our daughter and father to our three grandchildren. He is all that in spades, so why would I love him less (much less ostracize him) for his political or religious opinions?

The same goes for our kids: they have righteous values; I'm not going to sweat differences of opinion over doctrine!

***

And in re Ballerina's post above--and speaking as a non-Christian gay man--I agree with her. Posters here most commonly demonstrate what I believe to be true Christian values. I think I do, too, of course, but those who disagree with me still conduct themselves with Christian compassion.