Wonder if CMJA is going to give another allocution? Those are always fun, she can say anything she wants because she is neither sworn under oath or subject to cross by the Prosecution. Wonder what gems she's going to pull out?
Allocution, take 2:
(Big smile, "motivational speaker" voice) OK, guys, you've been totally punked. You got me fair and square. First degree murder, premeditated
and especially cruel. Not bad for a first timer...
or am I? I really don't know. Only God knows for sure, and we can't subpoena him. (Ambiguous smirk) Anyhoo, I've just been yanking your collective chains this whole time (wink to Martinez and Flores, double thumbs-up to the Alexanders), but I think we can all agree that you have dragged this out for too long. The spark and spontaneity are pretty much gone (stage yawn). All we have left are a few brief texts, and some photographs, and that phone sex tape that I totally knew would come in handy one day. Or at least
you have these things, these small tokens with which to remember our time together, but that's all they are: tokens. I am left with only my bittersweet memories and the knowledge that
my trial cost Arizona taxpayers
over two million dollars, and caused a lotta people a whole lotta pain! But as for us, for now, we've lost that lovin' feeling. Let's all just call 'er a day and go back to our real lives. For however long they might last (nudge nudge).
Special shout-outs before I go: First, to my good buddy Juan "The Prosecuter" Martinez. Don't go away mad, bro, just go away! (Fake-brushes back hair, flips bird.)
And to my besties Sidebar Jenny and "Captain" Kirk, no hard feelings. You can't win 'em all. (Well, you two sure can't, but I can! And I can sing and do handstands,
at the same time!) Kirkster, dude, got any more motions to withdraw you're planning to run by the judge? Jeeze Louise. We all know you're not the kind of guy who ever withdraws early from anything. Any. Thing. Ever. And dude, sorry to break it to ya, but "conversate" is not a word (eye roll). I can mangle the language and no one cares. I have a jailhouse GED. But you, man, you should know better. You've been to law school. Right? No seriously, you actually
have been to law school? Nine days out ten it's hard to tell.
For all you haters out there, well, my sincere hope for you is that you can move on and, like me, find a way to be of service in your communities, rather than focussing all your misguided energy on Travis and his flaws. Personally, I have nothing but forgiveness in my heart. (Another hair/bird)
Anyway, it's been super fun hanging with all y'all and I hope everyone has a totally awesome summer! Oops, I mean "rest of your lives." And maybe "hanging" isn't the best word. But hey, I'm totally philosophist, so life... death... whatever. It's all good. And you know me (at least you should by now!), whatever my sentence is, I'll say that's what I was hoping for. Winning! Keep that money coming in and stay tuned for my upcoming spin-off drama:
Appeals Process. Starring... ME! As ME! It's going to rock! Love you guys! Peace out.
(Important: look sad now and speak softly.) Members of the jury -- the task ahead of you will be extraordinarily difficult, especially so for the men among you, in more-or-less their mid-60's, who see in me their own innocent daughters, whom they would neither hurt nor allow to be hurt by others. I, and God, and the State of Arizona, and actually the entire world, are depending on you to Choose The Right, even though court regulations or something prevent my mother from giving you the CTR rings and Domestic Violence Awareness ribbons purchased by my many supporters and close, personal friends. Because none of you were able to get out of jury duty, you now have the opportunity, and some would say
obligation, to make a just and fair decision regarding my sentence for the unfortunate events which some have gone so far as to refer to as a quote-unquote crime (air quotes). I know that you have been inundated with a great deal of confusing information, most of it presented by a very loud man, but neither the volume of evidence against me nor the volume of the Prosecutor (see what I did there?) makes these heinous accusations quote-unquote true (air quotes). No, it was the verdict of the previous jury that makes the accusations against me quote-unquote true (air quotes). I accept that I am standing shackled before you today entirely because of the previous jury's lack of discernment, intelligence, and empathy. Frankly you look a lot smarter than that bunch.
In a certain sense, you now have my life in your hands. I can't even imagine how that feels, to have in one's hands the life or death of another human being. I am begging you for mercy, for the sake of my family, who are sitting right over there (points), in case you hadn't noticed my grandmother's wheelchair and IV, or hadn't heard the heartbroken giggles of my mother and aunt. I have faith that you will not let them down. I have faith that you will not let me down. I will leave you with this one undeniable fact, which I hope you will consider during your deliberations:
Death row is not one of the places listed in "1000 Places To See Before You Die."
stage directions:
Nixon wave
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3U4MhKDxcw
to all four sides of the courtroom, locate cameras -- flash mugshot grin, blow kisses to the Alexanders, slow-clap for Martinez and Flores, heart-thump with fist to defense table, sarcastic curtsy to judge, yelp and fall to the floor, writhing in pain and wetting herself because the deputies zap her just for the hell of it and they figure this might be their last chance. Clamorous applause and cheering, high fives all around, a confused Jodi slowly regains consciousness and wonders what all the fuss is about, assumes it's about her, stands up, bows unsteadily or possibly demonstrates the "linebacker pose" again, gets zapped again either because her "linebacker pose" is so intimidating and people in court were afraid for their lives, or possibly because the deputies couldn't resist giving her one more for the road.
And... curtain
Whatever she says will be appallingly offensive, self-serving, and faux-humble. And except for those couple of weeks when she was totally busy with her budding law practice, she's had nothing but time on her hands. Well, time and blood. Mostly blood, but time also. I bet she'll astound us all with a brand new, "just like junior high" multi-media presentation -- one that features her in a more prominent roll. And can she have a few easels? Her art looks best on easels. And she'll need handouts for the jury, with poetry and stuff, and more art. That's allowed, right? Maybe her mom can do a quick run to Kinkos.
Gagging in antici... pation.
