Since many of the facts are out there, I have been pondering the following. One thing that is rarely mentioned in cases like this, probably because it could be construed as victim blaming (and maybe it is in a way, but that’s not my intention), is why do accomplished young women give guys like this (ones with sketchy high school academic records, arrests in high school and college, immature or violent tweets, drinking problems, anger problems) the time of day, much less years of their lives?
George Hughley, the Duke lacrosse player, had a similar privileged background and he drank to excess and killed his girlfriend after two years of dating. We all know women who choose guys that are beneath them. In general, are we emphasizing to our daughters that the superficial trappings of success and “manliness” are meaningless in terms of their long term happiness and safety if the guy is, basically, a psychopath?
Yes, the man is always to blame in terms of this kind of violence, but we still try to teach girls to take steps to protect themselves physically (be aware of your surroundings, etc). However, since women are usually killed by people they know, what can they do? One obvious thing they can do is to never enter into any kind of close personal relationship with this type of guy in the first place. They can’t text you at midnight if they don’t know your name or have your number. They’ll move on to easier prey. Be wary, observe from afar, get on the guys Twitter feed if you’re curious, but don’t go out on even one date until you’ve done some research online or via your friend and family networks.
Girls should know the warning signs of an abuser. But they should also be told that in their romantic lives, they should look for a good guy, a nice guy, an honorable guy, above all, and not be focused on nabbing the “cool” guy, the “cute” guy, the rich alpha male in the “right” fraternity or the one who is pursuing a lucrative major.
Looks, athleticism, a wealthy background, and privilege are meaningless and won’t lead to happiness if the guy is also spoiled, chauvinistic, controlling, violent, etc. My parents emphasized this to me a lot growing up, and although I “totally” lusted after the stereotypical, all American guy, I never ended up dating anyone who scared me in any way at any point in the relationship or when things didn’t work out. I know I was lucky, too, and that you can’t always know everything, but nowadays, people reveal an awful lot on their social media accounts and in other ways.
I’m speaking generally here as I know few details of this particular relationship, but I see this happen a lot. Why is it that the handsome or rich jerks seem to attract girls while the sweet, nice guys struggle to get a date? I know there are probably complex biological and evolutionary forces at work, but we can work against them when the stakes are this high!
