...Nova: please explain to me why my gay friends say, "thats too gay" and call one another ? I'm in the Ballroom dance business and have had gay friends forever. I hear it. I know it and even me, as a straight individual can joke with my gay friends about them needing to "butch it up" etc....
My point is: either everyone should be allowed to say it, or no one should.
I believe that people use slurs to comment about the "low life" aspect of one's race or culture, be it white trash, *advertiser censored*, etc. I don't believe that they use it as a broad brush to put down an entire race or culture (rednecks etc.)
Not all gay people do use such language with one another, though some do. Not all African Americans call one another *advertiser censored*, but there is a subculture that does. In both cases, the practice is controversial and none to easy to explain.
(I'm going to confine my remarks to gay usage, since I'm most familiar with that. I have read extensively about similar usages in racial subcultures, but as an outsider as a rule, there's no reason for me to go into that here. Except to say I have experienced Southerners calling one another "rednecks" with fondness and even pride, while taking umbrage at being called "rednecks" by outsiders.)
One gay use of the word "" is as you suggest: to indicate someone who exhibits the worst stereotypical traits associated with gay men. This is not a nice use of the word, but it isn't the same as a straight person calling a gay person a *advertiser censored*. I will admit to having used the word in this way myself, but very rarely and only alone with my partner in reference to somebody we both knew well. I probably shouldn't do even that. But in this case, the word implies somebody is aiding our oppressors by confirming their worst slurs.
The more common (and confusing to outsiders, apparently) use of the word is as a term of affection between friends. I don't use it in this manner, but I understand those who do. Essentially, they call each other "" because doing so affirms their solidarity in the face of outside hostility. It's a "we *advertiser censored* are in this together" sort of thing.
A third use is related to the previous one: using "*advertiser censored*" as political self-empowerment. Some, particularly the more politically radical, feel that by appropriating the worst word employed by the majority, a minority takes control of the word and renders it less harmful. Usually, people use the word this way with regard to themselves, as in, "Yeah, I'm a *advertiser censored*. What's it to you!?" I can imagine using the word this way, but I'd have to be sorely provoked. (One hears the word "queer" used quite often in this manner, though it bothers old-timers who remember when that word was the worst. "Queer" has been so successfully appropriated by politicos that it is practically mainstream. But straight people should probably think long and hard about who is listening before using it.)
(And of course there are a few, very sad cases of gay men who use gay slurs because they hate themselves. I like to think these cases are rarer these days.)
There are probably other examples, but those are the main usages I can think of and what they mean.
As for "everyone should be allowed to say it, or no one should," I think adults of even average intelligence should be able to understand that words change meaning depending on context. Even simple words. "Flip" means one thing if I'm talking about a gymnast and something very different if I'm talking about a comedian, and something else again if I'm talking about a short order cook. Everybody gets that.
It shouldn't be any more difficult to understand that two black men calling each other "" does NOT give me permission to use that word.
(Obviously, you have a special relationship with your gay friends and your saying "butch it up" in that context doesn't offend them and I'm sure it wouldn't offend me. But President Bush saying the same thing to Rep. Barney Frank would be very offensive. Different context.)
Of course, people are human and make mistakes. I'm not a big fan of condemning people to exile and eternal damnation because they misspeak. But they should be
called on their error by any right-thinking person, so they can learn better.
